To be Fat Shamed or Not to Be That's the MF'ing Question

What I am about to say may be come across as harsh or rude. In a nut shell, I don't give a hoot! What exactly is "Fat Shaming?" Cambridge Dictionary says "making someone feel embarrassed or ashamed about being fat by publicly criticizing or drawing attention to it." So here's a scenario: basically I'm having one of my good days and here comes some jerk behind me acknowledging to me that i'm severely obese. As if I did not see that I was just that morning. He then starts to rant or record with his camera phone while laughing and posts it to his social media account to get all of his friends to also poke fun and laugh at his disgust of how I look. Right?

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 So everyone is having a blast making up fat jokes right? But guess what I don't see it, so why is it my business what idiots do in their spare time? Fat shaming to me is a term that people use when they feel bad about themselves and how they look. Like "job shamers" are just jerks who poke fun at people who make less money than them.

Here is the scoop, It's not fat shamming if you are not ashamed of your body. Learn to pick your battles. Fuck what other people say and what they think of you. Everybody deals with some sort of battle. If being skinny was the shit, why are sooo many of them dying with fat related illnesses? I'll tell you why, They skinny as hell on the outside, but their insides are obese as fuck! They commonly say "Oh i'm skinny, I can eat whatever I want and not gain." Bullshit, let me tell you what your ass is gaining, diabetes, clogged arteries, heart failure, heart attacks, poor oxygenated blood because of all that sludge in your damn veins! You are a ticking time bomb too!

 Oh don't think just because you eat kale and organic shit and low carbs and exercise 12 hours a week that its a good thing. Your body is a science and each person's body need certain things and if it doesn't get them it starts to borrow. Or if it gets too much of something and doesn't excrete it out of your system it becomes toxicity or acidic! An acidic body brings cancers and other illnesses! You need certain things to thrive and live longer. So no being skinny just appeals the eye. Just like us you cannot eat everything or exclude from everything you eat. So being skinny is not the business boo boo! Why are some of them the worst daters? Or why are some of them seeking love and are single? Why are they the most unhappy people at times? You skinny, you should be yelling from the top of the mountains how great you are or how great it is to be skinny! Being skinny does not exclude you from lookers, bullies, haters, abuse, car accidents, bullets, etc. You aren't excluded from diabetes, heart disease, cancers, etc. No one can look at an obese person and say "you are going to die in 2 days from an heart attack." No i'm not saying do not strive for longevity, yes you want to stay healthy or get healthy, however nothing is promised. The good Creator upstairs already knows when your time is ending and how long you will be on this earth.

Now there are somethings, in my opinion, that we do, that have consequences linked to them, that will cause us to prematurely die before our time, so we have to get in a mindset that's in the direction of being healthy all together. Did you know that you can improve you life expectancy just by adding a 30 minute walk? If you can't walk that long, then do some legs lifts in a chair. Get to YouTube for some free exercises to do in your home. (see) Basically get your ass moving for 30 minutes or more a day! What that does it improves the circulation in your upper and lower extremities, get that Heart regulated and getting more oxygenated blood that our organs so desperately needs. (see ex. Article) Plus it improves mentally health. Eat more veges and proteins, basically a more balanced diet.

Also use a damn condom! AIDS is wiping us out! I screwed up a few and had sex without a condom and trust me I panic for months taking tests. That damn Hennessy!! LOL Know who you have in your life and always be in tune with your surroundings. Death can happen many ways. What i'm saying is live your life!  Always seek happiness. No one is perfect. Throw the whole term "Fat Shaming" away. There is nothing wrong with you boo! LIVE and LET LIVE!! We have to end this bullying. Our children are taking their lives and not living because of the bullshit they see us do.

My journey update

Feb 2018 535lbs  vs August 2018 470lbs. 

I realized i'm extremely hard on myself. I don't praise myself for any kind of accomplishment. It's always yes I did this, working out, eating right, but i'm still fat. Plus society will constantly remind you of the flaws they think you have. I call them battle scars. Sometimes that constant reminder can affect me negatively. I have to work on how I view myself. I'm a gift from God. I am worthy of love and support. I am successful. I am loved. No matter my trials and my tribulations. I will be victorious as I'm still trusting this process. I'm confident and strong and most of all I am beautiful. I've had some set backs, but I've also had comebacks too....I just have to remain focused and keep looking forward.

Dating Goes Right

How I looked that night

It's a wonderful feeling when you meet a guy that's attentive, chivalrous and respectful. It's even more rare when you meet this guy and you are a woman over 450lbs. The other evening I went on what had to be the most perfect date in my whole entire life.

I met this guy more than 2 years ago on Facebook and we followed each other on most of our other social medias. Then we took the conversations offline and used Whatsapp for video chats and regular phone conversations.

To be honest I put him in the "full of shit" category, because I thought at first it was a waste of time. We live miles apart in different states. In my head, there was no guarantee we would ever meet or if I even wanted to meet him personally.

Before  I made the move out of state. I decided that I didn't want to talk to him or any other guy. I just went through a bad breakup I was still dealing with and on top of that had some emotional issues going on. Plus finance issues. I was wrong at the time to think that that guy or any guy was going to rescue me from my woes and make it all better. I was angry and pretty much selfish to even think that.

After he tried multiple times to reach out to me I gave him the cold shoulder. Like what a bitch I was!! I know!!! Again I still had no faith in anything with this guy or any guy really.
Since I put my self in this unbreakable bubble, I decided to step out on faith and start dating again. I gave my all to my children, I gave my all to companies that really didn't give a damn about my fat ass. I needed to meet someone. I needed to be fucked tirelessly. LOL! Its been over 6 years it's my time gosh darn it.

So this guy contacts me and I instantly forgot why I wasn't talking to him and started conversing and even agreed to meet him. Biggest move I made in a long time. He was in town for a quick meeting and suggested that I come see him at his hotel room, which I did. He contacted me all day, I guess he was nervous that I would back out, but in my spirit something was urging me to go. When I got to the hotel It was beautiful and very elegantly nestled in the heart of Atlanta, Ga, it was Loews Hotel. I was immediately taken aback because right where the valet parking there is a restaurant full of people eating and enjoying the night. I went in and went up to the elevator to his room, which he wasn't there He was still at the meeting. All I could thinking about was someone coming along questioning why I was there in the hallway for about 30 minutes, but no one did.

When he finally got there, I was shocked he was actually better looking in person. He was slightly shorter than I muscular and very chocolate! (yummy). He invited me in the room which was beautiful by the way, and we started making small talk then he said we were going to get something to eat. I'm thinking down stairs. He was like no, we are going somewhere. I know most of you might say well what's the issue. It was a huge issue and I started to panic. Reason as I mentioned I'm over 450lbs and usually when I go out, I make the decisions where I go because I go to the places I'm familiar with and I know they are accommodating. Then he was like "I'm going to call a uber so you don't have to drive, i'm going to take good care of you, you are my responsibility." Sweet right? No I was anxious, my chest started tightening. Though there was a part of me saying to trust him, "learn to let the man lead, just embrace him leading fool," My heart screamed out to me. Thank goodness he fired up a joint before we left, because that contact calmed me right down. LOL! So I made a sly joke i'm like make sure the car can fit these hips as I rubbed on them.  Then he was like "Priscilla will I seriously get a small car for you, like really?" I just smiled. As we go down stairs I see a big Surburban. I just told myself in my mind, "Ok Cilla, just climb in you go this!" LOL! At least I thought I did. As I'm concentrating on getting up in the car. I started to panic because I could not lift myself off the ground, I was afraid to step on the lift because I didn't know the weight capacity. Then all of a sudden I feel one hand on my butt cheek and the other on my hip and he was actually lifting me in the car, which I laughed because he did it with ease like he was a pro with heavy machinery! LOL! However prior to me getting in the car he opened the front door and moved the seat all the way up just to make sure I had enough room, how thoughtful. I felt so relieved and not embarrassed, how could I be?

So then he started playing different songs, the driver allowed him to plug his phone up the speaker, this guy was setting the move right with at first new school hip hop, then he changed to classic RnB, old school Whitney Houston, etc then he jumped to his favorite music 80's RnB. I was really impressed and feeling the vibe. So much that I froze. LOL! I became a mute, I don't know why I did.
As we approached our destination, we came up on restaurant, again my anxiety kicked in and I instantly started wondering if they had seating to accommodate me. I mean my hips and butt is a circumference of 76 inches. He told me to wait right here in the car, which I did. I saw him talking to the workers and when he got back in the car we changed the location. I didn't ask questions just went with the flow. We got to the second location, this time he got out and went inside. I tried my best to see through the doors how the seating was, but it was sooo busy. I asked the driver if he ever gone inside and he was like no. So my friend came out and said that we were changing spots again. I asked him why? He was like he needed to make sure I was good and that I would be happy and he then stated "it was too pack and he tried to move the tables and chairs around to make sure I had enough space." Then he was like, when you are with me I want you be comfortable and have you in the best place. Never in my life have any guy ever said that to me or even considered or cared about my comfort. I was so impressed and from then on I trusted him.

When you meet someone offline, you don't know what/who you are going to get. If he is a rapist stalker, murderer or just an cocky mess. I knew I lucked out. I knew I was blessed. God knew that I needed this night. Our final destination, we ended up at a hookah lounge that was popping for a Monday night, Blue in downtown Atlanta. When we pulled out, he jumped out the car and came to my side opened the door then assisted me down. I felt so safe. Then he escorted me down the sidewalk. I came to a group of people leaving the club. I was getting looks, but no disrespect which was a first. I felt so good so far nothing mattered. He rushed to the door opened it. He was surveying the lounge before I was and he found a perfect spot for us to sit and have a good time. If you never been to Blue I suggest you go there. Its like an elegant rachet type of collaboration. LOL! But the music the atmosphere, the food and hookah and seating gets 10/10 from me. Our waitress was beautiful and attentive to our needs. All I could do was shake my head, because this night was everything!

I say to you big women do not settle. Do not think you aren't worth the best, because you are. If he cannot treat you like a queen and treat you how you are supposed to be treated, then you don't give him the time of day. All in all he spent almost $400.00 in one night for ME! Even if he spent $20.00 It wouldn't take away from the night. The night was everything. I don't take any for granted.

Now i'm an optimistic kind of girl. I don't meet someone and think I should be with them. It's what God wants, but what this night has done was set the bar for the next knucklehead that tries to talk to me. You cannot tell me that i'm not worth all of that and more. Not monetary, the treatment. Now i'm going to get real. As a woman, I was lost. Which was why I settled with guys who was losers, lost or had no business with a woman. As a young girl I witnessed my father beating my mom with bats or his fists. I witness my father beating his girlfriends, or the hoes he was pimping. He would punch me in my face, slap me, call me bitches and hoes, fat, sloppy etc. My father was not a good man. My first love was older than me. Didn't respect me at all. I was on my own after I had been raped and I was living in another state. I would curse him out etc. I had no respect from men or for men. My 2nd relationship, I was with a guy who I didn't care what he looked like, but he had no drive or ambition. My 3rd relationship I was in love, not knowing he was married and when I found out I stayed with him and gave him hell, I was hurt. We fought, cursed each other out. I was miserable. He was dealing with some personal demons just like my father. Then my 4th most important relationship, my sons father was the absolute worse. I'll leave it like that. My 5th important one, he cheated, I was in love with him, but I knew he was classified as a cheater, I took a gamble and I lost. That relationship destroyed me mentally. And much more dealing with men.

Why did I mention my past, because just like most women in the world you either have the worse relationships because of the relationship you have with your father (the things you have seen him do) or you had no relationship with your father (He was absent). So you go out in the world searching with no blueprint. You don't know how to treat a man or how a man is supposed to treat you, because there was a bad example or no example. After my father died in 2014 I released that hate and anger I had for him and once I did that my whole being changed. I started fixing me up getting me prepared for the love of my life. I don't know if that guy is him, but i'm grateful for the treatment. Now I have an example that I disparately needed. I didn't know what I wanted from a guy or how he should make me feel. If i'm going to measure someone I'm going to measure them right. Will the guy be able to pay 400.00 on a date? Probably not, but he will treat me as I'm supposed to be treated or there will be no date. No more settling. If I go back to what I have been getting from these guys all my life, then its my fault what they do or don't do.

When the night was over we shared a kiss, a passionate one. Not because of the treatment, because it felt right and natural. He is already preparing our second date when he returns in 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to it. Don't give up! Don't settle! You are worth it my plus queens. He is out there ready to be all that you need him to be and He will not be pubic-ally embarrassed of you. Love you all and good luck in the lane of love.

My Journey

So I started changing the way I eat and exercise, I reached out to a few people that will add to my weigh-tloss. So far I've lost a total of 54lbs. I began again i February 2018. My desire is to be 280lbs. I can honestly say my energy level has gone up and I'm able to do more. Its a process of course.

What To Expect With Weightloss

via Cosmopolitan.com

Once you figured out why you gained weight and why you have a bad relationship with food. On to the actual diet. So far i'm down 58lbs. I will go into more depth of what I do if requested. I started off at 535lbs. Now its not my first rodeo at 535lbs. I lost 252lb before. However I was on depo shot for 4 years and I gained a significant amount of weight, then I got pregnant with my son gained more. Then I started hating the way I looked. I was broke and not thinking if I lost the weight first then I can work on the excess skin later. I was so emotional about it, that I started gaining the weight back thinking I would look like my pre-weight. It made it worse. I can go into depth another time. What i'm suggesting is to try not to focus on the skin. Lose the weight, by doing anaerobic cardio and weight training. Also your diet will help you increase the skin reduction. Again let me know if want me to go more in depth about it. It's doing wonders for my excess skin. The best advice I can give you is to save your money. Get a separate bank account just to save up for the skin removal surgery, because its hard to get the insurance companies to approve the surgery. There is one way that I know, if you all want me to write some suggestion I will. How I know, I have a been a nurse case manager for the last 6 years. But what I can tell you documentation from the physician is majority of the time the reason the requests are denied. Good luck

How Do You Know It's Time To Lose Weight??

Most of the people in this current time, deal with issues of weight, but how do you when its time for to get in-shape? Everyone around you will let you know about your weight, your body will let you know and most importantly your own heart will let you know it's time to lose the weight.  

Daily people will remind you that you are overweight. Especially family and strangers.The only person that matters when its time is You! You are the person that should initiate weight-loss. And your reasons that you are wanting to lose the weight should be taken to heart. 

Write down your reasons you want to get healthy. Like was it for health problems, for clothing, to get a better career, to be liked, to find love or to live longer. Whatever is motivating you, it should be a healthy reason. Not, for instance, to get people to like you. 

You have to ask yourself these questions and plan it out and I would suggest seek counseling to help you find the root of your weight gain. What made you lose control in  the first beginning, that made you gain the weight. As you can see this picture is of me. I'm at this point in my life. I desire to lose the weight, however recently I realized I was attempting to lose weight for all the wrong reasons, which is why I went back to old habits. No one gets over 300, 4400, 500lbs or more just because they want to. Majority of the time it's an out of control cry because of some tragic event. 

I would advise you first to research why you started eating, what type of eater are you, meaning do you binge eat or emotionally eat? Why are you so emotional? What does food do for you that no other thing/person can do to satisfy you? Are you losing weight for you only? What are your goals for weight loss? Your goal should never be to be happy. Weight loss will not make you happy. It opens up more opportunities and makes you more less noticeable. You have to fall in love with who you are now versus when you lose weight. You are setting yourself up for failure if you don't. You have to prepare yourself emotionally. 

However the moment you get a handle on your emotions, forgave the ones that hurt you, tackled why you have an unhealthy relationship with food, and are loving yourself as you are, then you are ready to be successful with weight-loss. Forget what others thinks and don't get too caught up in the amount of weight someone else lost in their 1st week or in 1 year. You have focus on what your body can do. You are your own competition.