My journey update

Feb 2018 535lbs  vs August 2018 470lbs. 

I realized i'm extremely hard on myself. I don't praise myself for any kind of accomplishment. It's always yes I did this, working out, eating right, but i'm still fat. Plus society will constantly remind you of the flaws they think you have. I call them battle scars. Sometimes that constant reminder can affect me negatively. I have to work on how I view myself. I'm a gift from God. I am worthy of love and support. I am successful. I am loved. No matter my trials and my tribulations. I will be victorious as I'm still trusting this process. I'm confident and strong and most of all I am beautiful. I've had some set backs, but I've also had comebacks too....I just have to remain focused and keep looking forward.

Dating Goes Right

How I looked that night

It's a wonderful feeling when you meet a guy that's attentive, chivalrous and respectful. It's even more rare when you meet this guy and you are a woman over 450lbs. The other evening I went on what had to be the most perfect date in my whole entire life.

I met this guy more than 2 years ago on Facebook and we followed each other on most of our other social medias. Then we took the conversations offline and used Whatsapp for video chats and regular phone conversations.

To be honest I put him in the "full of shit" category, because I thought at first it was a waste of time. We live miles apart in different states. In my head, there was no guarantee we would ever meet or if I even wanted to meet him personally.

Before  I made the move out of state. I decided that I didn't want to talk to him or any other guy. I just went through a bad breakup I was still dealing with and on top of that had some emotional issues going on. Plus finance issues. I was wrong at the time to think that that guy or any guy was going to rescue me from my woes and make it all better. I was angry and pretty much selfish to even think that.

After he tried multiple times to reach out to me I gave him the cold shoulder. Like what a bitch I was!! I know!!! Again I still had no faith in anything with this guy or any guy really.
Since I put my self in this unbreakable bubble, I decided to step out on faith and start dating again. I gave my all to my children, I gave my all to companies that really didn't give a damn about my fat ass. I needed to meet someone. I needed to be fucked tirelessly. LOL! Its been over 6 years it's my time gosh darn it.

So this guy contacts me and I instantly forgot why I wasn't talking to him and started conversing and even agreed to meet him. Biggest move I made in a long time. He was in town for a quick meeting and suggested that I come see him at his hotel room, which I did. He contacted me all day, I guess he was nervous that I would back out, but in my spirit something was urging me to go. When I got to the hotel It was beautiful and very elegantly nestled in the heart of Atlanta, Ga, it was Loews Hotel. I was immediately taken aback because right where the valet parking there is a restaurant full of people eating and enjoying the night. I went in and went up to the elevator to his room, which he wasn't there He was still at the meeting. All I could thinking about was someone coming along questioning why I was there in the hallway for about 30 minutes, but no one did.

When he finally got there, I was shocked he was actually better looking in person. He was slightly shorter than I muscular and very chocolate! (yummy). He invited me in the room which was beautiful by the way, and we started making small talk then he said we were going to get something to eat. I'm thinking down stairs. He was like no, we are going somewhere. I know most of you might say well what's the issue. It was a huge issue and I started to panic. Reason as I mentioned I'm over 450lbs and usually when I go out, I make the decisions where I go because I go to the places I'm familiar with and I know they are accommodating. Then he was like "I'm going to call a uber so you don't have to drive, i'm going to take good care of you, you are my responsibility." Sweet right? No I was anxious, my chest started tightening. Though there was a part of me saying to trust him, "learn to let the man lead, just embrace him leading fool," My heart screamed out to me. Thank goodness he fired up a joint before we left, because that contact calmed me right down. LOL! So I made a sly joke i'm like make sure the car can fit these hips as I rubbed on them.  Then he was like "Priscilla will I seriously get a small car for you, like really?" I just smiled. As we go down stairs I see a big Surburban. I just told myself in my mind, "Ok Cilla, just climb in you go this!" LOL! At least I thought I did. As I'm concentrating on getting up in the car. I started to panic because I could not lift myself off the ground, I was afraid to step on the lift because I didn't know the weight capacity. Then all of a sudden I feel one hand on my butt cheek and the other on my hip and he was actually lifting me in the car, which I laughed because he did it with ease like he was a pro with heavy machinery! LOL! However prior to me getting in the car he opened the front door and moved the seat all the way up just to make sure I had enough room, how thoughtful. I felt so relieved and not embarrassed, how could I be?

So then he started playing different songs, the driver allowed him to plug his phone up the speaker, this guy was setting the move right with at first new school hip hop, then he changed to classic RnB, old school Whitney Houston, etc then he jumped to his favorite music 80's RnB. I was really impressed and feeling the vibe. So much that I froze. LOL! I became a mute, I don't know why I did.
As we approached our destination, we came up on restaurant, again my anxiety kicked in and I instantly started wondering if they had seating to accommodate me. I mean my hips and butt is a circumference of 76 inches. He told me to wait right here in the car, which I did. I saw him talking to the workers and when he got back in the car we changed the location. I didn't ask questions just went with the flow. We got to the second location, this time he got out and went inside. I tried my best to see through the doors how the seating was, but it was sooo busy. I asked the driver if he ever gone inside and he was like no. So my friend came out and said that we were changing spots again. I asked him why? He was like he needed to make sure I was good and that I would be happy and he then stated "it was too pack and he tried to move the tables and chairs around to make sure I had enough space." Then he was like, when you are with me I want you be comfortable and have you in the best place. Never in my life have any guy ever said that to me or even considered or cared about my comfort. I was so impressed and from then on I trusted him.

When you meet someone offline, you don't know what/who you are going to get. If he is a rapist stalker, murderer or just an cocky mess. I knew I lucked out. I knew I was blessed. God knew that I needed this night. Our final destination, we ended up at a hookah lounge that was popping for a Monday night, Blue in downtown Atlanta. When we pulled out, he jumped out the car and came to my side opened the door then assisted me down. I felt so safe. Then he escorted me down the sidewalk. I came to a group of people leaving the club. I was getting looks, but no disrespect which was a first. I felt so good so far nothing mattered. He rushed to the door opened it. He was surveying the lounge before I was and he found a perfect spot for us to sit and have a good time. If you never been to Blue I suggest you go there. Its like an elegant rachet type of collaboration. LOL! But the music the atmosphere, the food and hookah and seating gets 10/10 from me. Our waitress was beautiful and attentive to our needs. All I could do was shake my head, because this night was everything!

I say to you big women do not settle. Do not think you aren't worth the best, because you are. If he cannot treat you like a queen and treat you how you are supposed to be treated, then you don't give him the time of day. All in all he spent almost $400.00 in one night for ME! Even if he spent $20.00 It wouldn't take away from the night. The night was everything. I don't take any for granted.

Now i'm an optimistic kind of girl. I don't meet someone and think I should be with them. It's what God wants, but what this night has done was set the bar for the next knucklehead that tries to talk to me. You cannot tell me that i'm not worth all of that and more. Not monetary, the treatment. Now i'm going to get real. As a woman, I was lost. Which was why I settled with guys who was losers, lost or had no business with a woman. As a young girl I witnessed my father beating my mom with bats or his fists. I witness my father beating his girlfriends, or the hoes he was pimping. He would punch me in my face, slap me, call me bitches and hoes, fat, sloppy etc. My father was not a good man. My first love was older than me. Didn't respect me at all. I was on my own after I had been raped and I was living in another state. I would curse him out etc. I had no respect from men or for men. My 2nd relationship, I was with a guy who I didn't care what he looked like, but he had no drive or ambition. My 3rd relationship I was in love, not knowing he was married and when I found out I stayed with him and gave him hell, I was hurt. We fought, cursed each other out. I was miserable. He was dealing with some personal demons just like my father. Then my 4th most important relationship, my sons father was the absolute worse. I'll leave it like that. My 5th important one, he cheated, I was in love with him, but I knew he was classified as a cheater, I took a gamble and I lost. That relationship destroyed me mentally. And much more dealing with men.

Why did I mention my past, because just like most women in the world you either have the worse relationships because of the relationship you have with your father (the things you have seen him do) or you had no relationship with your father (He was absent). So you go out in the world searching with no blueprint. You don't know how to treat a man or how a man is supposed to treat you, because there was a bad example or no example. After my father died in 2014 I released that hate and anger I had for him and once I did that my whole being changed. I started fixing me up getting me prepared for the love of my life. I don't know if that guy is him, but i'm grateful for the treatment. Now I have an example that I disparately needed. I didn't know what I wanted from a guy or how he should make me feel. If i'm going to measure someone I'm going to measure them right. Will the guy be able to pay 400.00 on a date? Probably not, but he will treat me as I'm supposed to be treated or there will be no date. No more settling. If I go back to what I have been getting from these guys all my life, then its my fault what they do or don't do.

When the night was over we shared a kiss, a passionate one. Not because of the treatment, because it felt right and natural. He is already preparing our second date when he returns in 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to it. Don't give up! Don't settle! You are worth it my plus queens. He is out there ready to be all that you need him to be and He will not be pubic-ally embarrassed of you. Love you all and good luck in the lane of love.